For many of us, the expression of negative feelings and emotions towards others is extremely difficult and uncomfortable. On one level, our rational self knows that the expression of these emotions can be beneficial both for our own psychological health and the potential benefit and enlightenment of any individuals that may have given them rise. On our subconscious level, however, we fear the consequences of such expression and so we withhold. We pretend to ourselves that we are simply letting things pass or roll off our backs. Not so and I have a name for us: “emotional backpack stuffers”.

Picture this as an invisible backpack ideally designed for holding unexpressed feelings and emotions.  When frustrated, upset, angered, irritated, annoyed, hacked off, whatever, rather than express how we actually feel, we figuratively reach around and deposit that emotion in our pack.  Days, weeks, perhaps even a month or two pass and by now that pack has become pretty darn heavy.  There is a lot of pent-up emotion in there just waiting expression.

Then one day something happens or somebody does something that gets under our skin and out bursts a diffuse emotional load. Invariably, the amount of emotion and its intensity is out of proportion to the event that precipitated it.  To the receiver or witnesses of your emotional unloading, your anger, frustration, decibel level, and duration of expression seems excessive and inappropriate. The heavier your backpack, the more personally confusing your reaction to specific events may seem, the more inappropriate any given expression of emotions might become, and the more confused others might be concerning the true nature of your reaction to some event.

Difficulty with emotional expression is innate for many of us and impossible to fully eradicate. But  most of us can learn to identify the signs — tension, anxiety, sleeplessness and stress — that the weight of our emotional backpack is increasing and we can discipline ourselves to couple our emotional expressions — difficult or not — to the events that trigger them.

The unknown is always how precisely the receiver of your emotional expression will respond.  Fear of an equally emotional, confrontational response is what underlies a great deal of conflict avoidance, a consistent practice that eventually undermines the provision of honest feedback where required. We must come to TRUST that we can honestly express ourselves and successfully cope with the reactions that occur. I find that naming an emotion — I am angry, irritated, frustrated, disappointed, jealous, feeling unheard or ignored, etc. — can make emotions seem less powerful and destructive especially when tied to a specific behavior or event that precipitated them.

Understanding our emotions and dealing with potential conflict is never easy.  But conflict avoidance and constantly carrying a heavy emotional backpack is psychologically dangerous and threatening to the successful execution of daily life.

Categories: Managing & Leading, Self-Management

Tags: advice for managers, best managers, effective management and leadership, effective managers and leaders, line management, management advice, Managing & Leading, managing frustration, managing stress